Go Up Monument!

Lately, I have been spending a bit of time at the Park at the top of Oglethorpe Mountain. The LORD has sent me there, specifically, to get out of my house, get some fresh air and a fresh perspective. He has told me, several times lately: Go up Monument!

So up I go! Up Monument Road, past the beautiful mountain homes, past the deer that hang out in the road as if they own it, past the occasional bear cub running from yard to yard, up to the gravel road that narrows, and leads to an area with some overlooks. There is one specific platform that I go to; turn on the Worship music as loud as it will go, take my Bible and a journal; and go sit. I stay until HE tells me why I am there. And HE always meets me there, shows me something, tells me something, reveals something...Something Meaningful...

Lately I have been a "mess". I have not slept well in a very long time, but worse than ever in the past few weeks. Exhausted; angry; overstimulated; over-booked; over-looked; hurt; and worst of all...lonely and alone.

I have been Praying for a long time now for a Moses. I fancy myself a Joshua; but I have no Moses. Imagine Joshua without a Moses...a mess. I am certain that YHVH loved the daylights out of Joshua, thought he was smart and strong, equipped for every eventuality. But without Moses, Joshua would have taken a LOOOOONNNNGGGGG time to get where the LORD was sending him.

Not to say that I haven't had teaching, training, equipping, discipling along the way of my Life. But not since I have entered the Land of Milk and Honey (IYKYK). I have been trained and taught and discipled by some of the strongest Women of God ever!! Joanie taught me Who the Holy Spirit really is. Thelma taught me about my Authority in Jesus, she prayed for me to receive the Baptism of the Holy Spirit on the Day of Pentacost years ago, she poured into me more than she will ever fully know. Bernadette has been my Rabbi. Ms. Sue helped me to realize that I am so Beautiful in the Eyes of Jesus that there is nothing I could do to make Him love me more, and nothing I could do to make Him love me less. Mary Ann taught me how to Hear His Voice Consistently, and to teach others to do the same. Jane...Beautiful Jane, introduced me to the Real Jesus!! Powerful Women of God! Thank God for them in my Life!!

But for almost 3 years, I have been wandering... alone, and lonely.

That said, I am filled with the Holy Spirit! I walk in the same Power that raised Jesus from the dead! The LORD called me to Pray, and answers my Prayers, often in Real Time, with Real Answers, for the ones that He sends my way. I am Loved with a Radical Love by the King of Kings. I am a Pure and Spotless, Blood-Washed Bride! What God did for Joshua, He will do for me all the more because I am under the New Covenant, covered in the Blood of Jesus and filled with the Holy Spirit!! Right??

But I don't always KNOW what to do with what the LORD tells me, or asks me, or shares with me. It isn't prudent or wise, at all, to share the Revelations of God with just anyone. People think that I am weird anyway. They think that I have taken this Jesus-thing a little too far. And I truly don't care what they think in that regard, but I'm certainly NOT going to share my stuff with folks who don't get it. My husband does NOT get it. My sisters do NOT get it. And don't get me wrong, I attend Church (2 of them), serve there, worship with others, and have "relationships", but not what I am longing for, or in need of.

Number 1: I don't have friendships with "men" because that isn't really prudent. And that cuts out about 50% of possible Moses.

Number 2: I don't have a "covering" per se, as my husband is not a Follower of Jesus. So I am really "alone".

Number 3: I have reached out in Friendship to countless women in My Little Town. To know them in the LORD. I don't have the time or the inclination for shopping and talking about Netflix. If they are Strong in the LORD, they are always "busy".

Number 4: You don't play tennis with people who are worse than you if you want to up your game, so that is that.

And Number 5: Because I don't have a Moses to help me figure things out, I think about things for a LLLOOOONNNNGGGGG time before I am confident that I actually heard God clearly, or wait for 29 confirmations (which always come).

John, the one that Jesus loved, tells us in 1 John 2:27:

"But you have received the Holy Spirit, and He lives within you, so you don’t need anyone to teach you what is true. For the Spirit teaches you everything you need to know, and what He teaches is true—it is not a lie. So just as he has taught you, remain in fellowship with Christ." Clearly, the Holy Spirit is ENOUGH! He is all I need. And I believe this with all my heart. I believe every Promise from the Word of God...every single one! Each is Yes and Amen in Christ Jesus!

But when I am alone, secluded, separated...these Promises don't always pop up in my mind when I need them. And I don't always have "fellowship" to keep me on track.

So lately I have been suffering a bit. I have been struggling with my "humanity", which I am told God does not hate, but it sure feels hateful sometimes. I have been struggling with what my flesh wants. I have been angry with the way I "feel" in my emotions. Because in the Earth, my emotional needs are not being met at all. My tank is empty. I give to others, do for others, pray for others, pour into others. And I love that; I am on this Earth to Love the Ones that Jesus gives me! For sure. But my tank is empty. I know that "great is my Reward in Heaven"!! I KNOW this! And it is Good! But I want some Reward now. And even though I know that God's Promises are True, I "feel" like they won't happen for me. I am scared to death (figuratively) that even though I chase after the Pillar of Cloud by Day and the Pillar of Fire by Night, even though I obey Him, listen for His Voice, crave to hear His voice and be in Community with Him, I will never have "connection" in my marriage, or in right and righteous friendships. I am afraid that I will never have "my person". And I am hurting lately. The closer I get to Jesus, the farther my husband gets from me. What is right about that?? If I told my husband that I was going on a 10-Day road-trip for Business, he would happily send me, with cash in hand, and wish me luck. If I told him that I was going on a 10-Day road-trip to worship under 10 different tents and chase after the Pillar of Cloud by Day and Fire by Night, he would say "oh No you are not!!" He is "jealous" of Jesus, and this manifests in unkindness. And that hurts so badly; it breaks my heart; daily.

So yesterday, when I went up Monument, I worshipped the LORD like I was the only person up there (and I was NOT the only person up there). I sang "I Surrender" at least 3 times. And when I prayed, asking Abba to tell me what He needed me to know, He showed me Hosea 6:1-3 A Call To Repentance.

"Come, let us return to the LORD; for it is He who has torn, and He will heal us. He has struck down, and He will bind us up. After 2 days He will revive us, and after three days he will raise us up, that we may live before Him. Let us know, let us press on to know the LORD; His appearing is as sure as the dawn; He will come to us like the showers, like the spring rains that water the Earth."

When I read it, I cried. When I wrote it down in my journal, I replaced all the we/us with "me" so I could get it in me like a revelation. And I did get it like a revelation. When I return to HIM...He will bind up my broken heart! When I return to HIM...He will send refreshing. When I return to HIM...He will appear before me as sure as the dawn. Hallelujah! Like I like to say: Y'all! Taste and See that the LORD is Good!!

So tonight I was listening to a lesson from Daniel One. Daniel was just a kid when he was taken away to Babylon. And he was so strong in the LORD that he never deviated from YHVH, even though everything he knew was pulled out from under him. EVERYTHING!! And instead of freaking out, and drinking all the wine, he doubled down on God and lived an exemplary life.

Every now and then, I get off track a little, until something from the LORD sets me aright. The life of Daniel has set me aright. Yes, he had running buddies. But it was All About GOD!!

I need to Double Down! Double Down in Prayer! Double Down in Study! Double Down in a Radical Love inspired by Jesus, made possible by Jesus, fueled by Jesus, all for Jesus.

I read Psalm 115 tonight: Our GOD is in the Heavens, and He does as He wishes!

He is Sovereign! He is True! He is Grace and Truth! He is the Anointed One! He is Mighty In Battle! He is the Rose of Sharon! And He is STILL ON THE THRONE!! And I will trust Him, if it kills me. And I will lean into Him, and follow Him, no matter where He leads. And I will Fight From Victory!

Jesus is "My Person", just like YHVH was Daniel's person. Daniel was likely made a eunuch when he was captured. He was robbed of his chances at "connection" in that way; he was robbed of his chance at "family" in that way. I get sad or upset or angry sometimes, because I walk alone. No one in my family follows the LORD enough to understand me, where I am going, where I am coming from or anything. I need to get over it! I need to realize whether or not I have a "good marriage", I am fighting from Victory in Christ Jesus! I am powerful, and beautiful and made righteous, by the Blood of Jesus. And to be used by God to advance His Kingdom, like Joshua did. I have within me the Spirit of the Living God, to conquer 31 kings, whatever they may be!

I just need to figure out how to live a life in the Spirit, even though I live a life in the Earth, with Earthlings. That has everything to do with picking up my Cross daily. And walking the Road of the Cross with Jesus. We can NEVER truly know Him, if we do not know Him in His sufferings. His Sacrifice. In this lifetime, in order to know Him rightly, we need to know His Sacrifice. He Created Everything That Has Been Created. And He came down here, to this spinning rock, to deal with evil people, stupid people, ugly people; He gave up every right He ever had; He never sinned; He never whined that His cup was empty; He never whined that He had to walk alone; He took the beating meant for ME, carried MY cross, carried MY SIN, MY SHAME, MY HIDEOUSNESS; laid down His Life willingly. And LOVES ME ETERNALLY.

Hmmmmm.

I'll report back when I figure that out more fully.

But for now, I will be doubling down.

I am going to my room to sing "I Surrender", repent again, get a new attitude, and probably a really good night's sleep.

If you see this, and your name is Moses, please reach out...

I have been looking for you...

Before you go, I would love to Pray for you...

Abba Father,

We surrender! We surrender all the things! Especially the things that we think we want that You have not given us! We surrender our unforgiveness and our anger and our hurt. We turn and re-turn and re-turn yet again, to You! We surrender our Hearts, Our Bodies, Our Minds, Our Souls, and Our spirits to YOU! We surrender our Time. We surrender our families. And we surrender our fears.

LORD, take everything that we are surrendering, and fill us instead with Your Wisdom, and Your Love.

Abba! Show us and tell us; lead us and guide us; Your Word, a light unto our path and a lamp unto our feet.

We love You! And give You all praise and honor and glory!

In Jesus' mighty name, Amen!