A Different Kind of Father's Day...

I was thinking everything is "normal". I was minding my own business, not bothering anyone, not antagonizing anyone, not looking for any kind of upset. I was on my way to meet a friend for lunch, about 20 minutes away. So I turned on the radio, thinking I would sing a few Jesus-songs on my way to lunch. Almost immediately, one of the super-happy, super-well-adjusted DJs pipes up and says something like: "Y'all call in! We want to hear your favorite Father's Day stories", or some such nonsense. OK! NO! You do not want me to call in with any father stories! Immediately my attitude shifted, from "normal", to hideous, in a flash. As I was about to have an outburst in my car, a song came on. Whew!! So I sang along, feeling a bit better. But. As quickly as that song was over, Mr. Well-Adjusted came back on to tell about how his Dad taught him the most amazing "life lessons". UGH! No one wants to know the lessons my father taught me, the ugly, the mean, the unkind, the inappropriate in every way lessons that I learned about 'life" from him. I know full well that no one on the radio was hoping to ruin my day! They were not intentionally trying to make me want to drive my car into oncoming traffic or have an outburst featuring all the cusswords I have ever known. I know this. So I snapped the radio off, and proceeded to have a sharp, messy, and very necessary prayer conversation with my Real Father, God Almighty.

This is my first Father's Day since my earthly father JJ passed away. He was a terrible father, and a terrible person. That is not to say that he wasn't fun to hang out with from time to time, or that outsiders didn't think he was cool, or whatever. But he was a terrible father, a terrible role model, a terrible husband to my mother and my stepmother. He was an alcoholic; he was rude and vulgar; he was a misogynist. He was a sociopath and a predator. He was unkind, often cruel, critical and emotionally abusive. And the other things that I will not discuss at this moment. Don't get me started!

Growing up, and even as grown-ups, my sisters and I often joke that we should go into the greeting card business because there are really no acceptable cards for people who know JJ. I could pop off at least 19 good ideas right this moment for Father's Day cards suitable for JJ. LOL!! I laugh to keep from crying. Even trying to purchase a card for my husband, whom I adore, is painful because I have to wade through all of the lunacy that is the Father's Day Card Industry. OMG!! The things those cards say is so utterly alien to me! I cannot possibly relate to any of them, to the point that I want to scream standing at the rack in the grocery store or at Hallmark. Madness!

I have spent sooooo much time in the Closet over my "relationship" with my Father. Hours! Days! Weeks! Crying out to the King of the Universe about forgiveness and compassion; asking for Spiritual Eyes to see my father's hurt, and be able to forgive, heal and move on. While he was alive I had these talks with God; and after he died I had these talks with God. I have had counseling over all of this. I have cried and carried on like a lunatic over the hurt and the anger and the fury and the rage. My poor husband has been on the receiving end of my "crazy" over what has been revealed to me over the past few years about my childhood. (Be advised! When you pray "whatever is inside of me that is keeping me from walking in everything You have for me, BURN IT OUT! please know that the LORD will burn it out!) I am so grateful that our house is well insulated so the neighbors couldn't hear me crying in terror when it all came back to me. And I am also amazingly grateful to my precious husband, for holding me while I cried, and listening patiently while I tried to explain things that I will never understand. And holding me some more.

About 3 years ago, in my Closet at the old house, I spent quite a bit of time with the Lord over several sittings, talking about what it truly means to "honor your Father and your Mother" when you are an adult with alcoholic parents, and nothing is "normal". I read Scripture, I recited the verses out loud to the Lord. I asked for clarification and suggestions as to what that should look like in my particular circumstances. I prayed; I cried; I confessed; I repented; I cried out for forgiveness from God to me; and I cried out that the Lord would help me to forgive my parents. After the passage of some time, prayer, counseling, prayer, Bible study, and prayer, I truly arrived at a place of Peace and Forgiveness. Not through anything I had done, but strictly through the power of the Holy Spirit working in me. Changing my heart of stone into a heart of flesh. And for a long while, I was at peace about these relationships.

When JJ died last November, I had to revisit all of that. Going to his home, seeing photographs and various reminders of him. Then there was the "memorial". What a nightmare!! My husband took me down the Interstate about an hour so that we could attend JJ's service. The only real reason I wanted to attend was because the last remnants of my "family" were going to be there. (My Mother had already passed away about 40 days prior, and ALL of her family is deceased.) I wanted very much to see and visit with my father's brothers and sister and their families, with whom I have been close at various times in our lives. And I wanted to see "Mary", JJ's former wife, to whom he was married for the majority of our childhood and young adulthood, and with whom I am still close. I needed to see her, be with her, hold her hand, sit by her and cry during the service. She had been emotionally scarred by her time with him, just as my sisters and I had. And I needed to attend, because it was "the end of an era". Thank goodness. So I sat there at the funeral home, with Mary on one side and my husband on the other. Listening. Crying a little. But mostly just listening. To all the grand tales that everyone shared about JJ. UGH. About what a good brother he was; how he taught them how to play basketball and hunt; how he was so popular and well loved in their hometown; how all the ladies loved JJ (Holy Cow!). It was surreal. Truly. And I am not saying that any of it was untrue. I am not saying that at all. If I have learned anything during these past months and years of healing through the power of the Holy Spirit, I have learned that my story is my story; you are not allowed to speak into my story. And your story is your story; and I am not allowed to speak into your story. So I do not deny the truths of what others spoke from the platform that day. But everything...every. single. thing. that I heard that afternoon ran contrary to my experiences with JJ. To hear all the stories was hurtful, and vile, and infuriating. And then came the point at which someone I love and respect very much thought it was a good idea to say something like: JJ was his own man. He lived life his way. Like that was actually something to be lauded; like that was actually something that should receive merit. NO! He was a predator! An alcoholic! An abuser! A sociopath! And I just sat there, squeezing Mary's hand, crying in silence, just hoping it would end soon. And, not for nothing, feeling more than a little bit stupid for sitting there so politely. But it was definitely NOT the time for me to say a few remarks. At all!

So why am I telling you all of this?? (I love that question!) Because all of this came flooding back to me in the most terrible way possible when the super-happy DJ on K-LOVE radio started popping off about his "great Dad". The bad memories were fresh all over again. The dysfunction was flashing in my mind again. The evil was tangible again. And the fury. The fury. The fury.

And I began to seriously question whether or not I had truly forgiven JJ in the Closet all those years ago. I began to question the work that the Lord had done in me. I even began to question whether or not I am right with the Lord at all based on my bitter attitude in that moment. I began to question. Question.

So I had to hash it out all over again, with Jesus, in the car on the way home from visiting my friend. Only this time, it didn't take weeks and months. The Holy Spirit was very gracious to remind me that sometimes the adversary likes to poke people in the eye. And that is what had happened; I had been poked in the eye by the enemy. And upon that realization, I had to give it to God all over again. And when I did, the Lord brought me fully to a place of refreshing. I have forgiven all over again. I have released the hurt all over again. I have thanked my God and my King for pouring that out on me--healing, refreshing, forgiveness, restoration.

And somewhere within the city limits of My Little Town, I remembered that JJ is not my "real" Father. He was temporary. But the LORD, the Living God, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob...He is My Father!! And He is a good, good Father! Loving, forgiving, just, righteous, holy, strong, longsuffering. He gives only good and nothing bad. He is full of Mercy and Grace and Love-Everlasting! I am so excited to celebrate Father's Day with Him!

He leaves the 99 to find the one

He welcomes home the Prodigal, time and time again

He sent His Only Son to die a brutal, violent, shameful death, so that we could be reconciled

He offers Mercy, new every morning

He forgives and forgives and forgives

He makes all things new

He heals, delivers, restores

He blesses when I come in, and blesses when I go out

He meets all my needs in His glorious riches in Christ Jesus

He gives me wisdom for the asking

He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies

He restores my soul

He leads me in truth and teaches me His ways

He is gracious to me when I am lonely and afflicted

He guards my life and delivers me

He creates in me a clean heart

He renews my spirit within me

He hears my prayers and is Faithful

He neither slumbers nor sleeps

He protects, shields, guards, hovers, broods

I hate that I had to experience all that evil, sin, hurt, degradation and yuck as a Little One. I hate it. No one should ever have to deal with the things that we experienced growing up. That said, I have learned so much about what God is all about through the grimy, smudgy lenses of my childhood. And the Heavenly Father is nothing like my earthly father. Hallelujah! Many times in my walk with the Lord, I have met people, mostly women, who have had a really hard time surrendering to God because they don't fully trust Him as Father. The idea of a Good Father is alien to them. Don't surrender; don't let yourself love; put up a wall. That is all they know. And it is hard to get past that for many. Thank heaven that the Heavenly Father keeps running after us! YES!! Thank heaven that He keeps running after us!

My sweetest prayer for you all is that you have a kind, loving, gentle, honest, decent earthly father. And that you enjoy Father's Day with him, or at least remembering him. That sounds so lovely. As for me, I am going to raise my hands in the air and give Glory and Praise to My Heavenly Father, because He has taught me all of life's best lessons! All Glory and Honor and Praise and Love and Gratitude to my Real Father, my Abba Father! I love You!

Pray this with me:

Dear Father In Heaven,

You are the Best Father Ever!

Thank You for loving us, saving us, pouring out goodness and mercy on us! Thank You!

We praise Your Holy Name! And cry out Happy Father's Day to our Real Father, the Father of Lights in whom there is no shadow or turning.

Our Abba Father! Thank You for showing us Your Love, because we do not receive the love we need from the world.

Your Love, LORD, restores us and heals us and sets us free.

Your Love is perfect, driving out all fear, all terror, all shame.

Thank You LORD that all Your promises are Yes and Amen--that You never leave us nor forsake us--that You are the same yesterday, today and forever!

Under Your wings we are safe and have shelter, because You are the Almighty!

Thank You, Papa! Thank You!

In Your Son's Name, Jesus! Amen!

All My Love In Jesus!

Leslie~